When Past Memories Pop Up Uninvited
One of the unintended consequences of having children is that it brings up often painful memories of my own childhood. As I navigate how I want to be as a parent, I’m often bombarded with my past. Sometimes the memories flood in so quickly I want to curl up and cry. And then I feel wistful and frustrated - I want to go help that young girl who didn’t have her own voice to advocate for herself growing up.
And then I feel hopeless, because I can never go back and help my past self feel better.
Sooner or later, I recognize that I am reliving a painful childhood memory and remember to breathe. And then it’s time to get to work. Breathing slowly and intentionally, I have to ask myself the real questions:
Why am I attached to this memory? Often, it’s as simple as I still feel wronged and hurt by the incidents that occurred in the memory.
Why do I feel angry or upset when I have this memory pop up? The answer usually is because I wish it didn't happen. Other common answers are because I wish I had been able to say something and stick up for myself.
What can I do to feel less debilitated by this memory? I can remind myself that I can’t go back to the past to fix things. I can only choose to treat my children with more love and respect than I was treated with as a child.
How can I detach myself from these memories? I can repeat the truth that I wish I had the power to change my response to unfair treatment in the past. I can also repeat the truth that I am attached to the idea of having closure. I must also repeat the truth that while I can breathe in the hurt and suffering through my nose, I must breathe out the acceptance of the importance of living in the present-day through my mouth.
And, most importantly, I can choose to love and trust my children and praise them for their successes as well as discipline their faults with tempered respect, rather than with corporal or demeaning punishment. And I can choose to leave my hurtful memories in the past and replace them with new memories that serve me better.